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It looks funny in German, doesn't it - sort of brutally sexual. But never mind that. This is the place to follow the Euros, especially if you've no other means of accessing them. We shall have comprehensive coverage of almost every match, and we begin with an exclusive interview with page 3 pin-up Josh Bellingham, who assures us that starring for England in the European Championships will not adversely affect his modelling career.

semi finals
Tuesday July 9th 2000 hrs
Spain 2 France 1

The trouble with TV commentators is that they see themselves as salesmen. The game becomes a product to be promoted, and as such is subject to the distortion and exaggeration common to all advertising. So in this game, Mbappe was "back to his brilliant self without that mask" (no he wasn't), Yamal's goal was "a wonder ... which will never be forgotten" (yes it will), the game was "the best football of the tournament by a country mile" (yeah right).The unvarnished truth was that it was a very good first half with three good goals which more or less settled things. The Spanish team's play was marked by fluency, variety, a keen sense of organised purpose, and some devastating finishing. The French had some tricky individuals but looked a bit planless and disconnected. The second half was unspectacular, which is exactly what Spain's game management demanded. "This is delicious stuff," gushed the commentator, as if he was selling Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough.

Wednesday July 10th 2000 hrs
Nether Regions 1 England 2

England started with confidence, pressing back the Nether Regions with good possession and clever movement. Then Declan Rice gave the ball away and allowed Simons, the one with the painful face, to score with a fine strike. England were not fazed, however, because they knew they would be awarded a dodgy penalty when Dumfries, the one with the angry face, caught Kane's shooting foot with his studs. Kane scored. England dominated the rest of the half with Foden's determination to score looking a bit manic, and the Nether Regions hanging on.
Two things became obvious in the 2nd half. Firstly, the Nether Regions players had been instructed to stop arsing about, and secondly the England players, faced with a more determined opposition, entered that comatose state they employ when the world turns horrid and won't go away. Pickford saved the day on a couple of occasions, mainly because he was in goal. Then, as extra time loomed, Ollie Popkins saved the day with a well-caught drive which passed through a defender's legs, across the goalkeeper, and into the net. Huzzah! The rest of the evening was taken up with people denying that England had been lucky, or admitting they had but they didn't care. We refuse to draw any conclusions from all this until after England somehow beat Spain on Sunday.


Elliott (Mister) Anderson
We've no idea who you are, but welcome to Nottingham Forest.


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