premier league game 29     march 15th 2025

Dipswitch 2 Cajuste 82, Hirst 90+3

Nottingham Forest 4 Milenkovic 35, Elanga 37, 41, Jota 87

TOOKLE IS A - - - - - -

What do you mean, you haven't done a match report?

Well I have and I haven't, as a matter of speaking.

Meaning what?

Meaning I haven't done a report like a report should be done.

You've written a bloody poem, haven't you?

Yes Pie, I have indeed written a pome. Do you want to hear it?

Do you know, Stress, I think I would rather drill a hole through my own kneecap than endure another of your literary gems.

Praise indeed, Pie. I think you'll enjoy this one. I call it "Tookle Is A - - - - - -".

Oh for God's sake.

We sailed down England's eastern coast In Merrynacker's tanker, To watch our England's number 10 And Tookle is a - - - - - -.

Wait a minute...

We bought a programme from a girl And made the time to thank 'er, The game itself was deadly dull, And Tookle is a - - - - - -.

You can't do this, Stress...

The Town's defence was like, it seemed, A ship without an anchor, On half an hour its hull was breached And Tookle is a - - - - - -.

Stop it, Stress. The complaints are already coming in.

And though my hair was lank with sweat, McKenna's hair was lanker When Serbinator smashed one home And Tookle is a - - - - - -. And then there came a mazy run From Anthony Elanka, Which ended with a brilliant goal And Tookle is a - - - - - -.

What is this garbage? says Eric from Peterborough.

If Dipswitch really was a ship The third goal would of sank 'er, As Swedish Tony bagged a brace, And Tookle is a - - - - - -.

Take this effing obscenity down before I kill myself says Don from Tuxford.

Then Dipswitch scored, my mind went blank But nothing could be blanker Than Tommy Tookle's feeble brain The silly jug-eared - - - - - -.

Thomas Tuchel has messaged us to say that his ears are not jug like but simply asymmetric. This is getting serious, Stress. Time to stop.

But there's two more goals to cover, Pie.

Yes, a breakaway goal for Jota and a consolation header for Dipswitch. There, I've finished it for you, without the obscenities and the spelling mistakes.

No problem, Pie. I was struggling to find any more rhymes for - - - - - - anyway.

Thank God for that.

Except that once I journeyed to Mysterious Sri Lanka Where east is east and west is west And Tookle's still a - - - - - -.