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BREAKING WIND

Much has happened since our exclusive coverage of the Euros, so here are some of them what have.

There was England v Windies test cricket. England have won two tests after giving W. I. virtually no opportunity for practice or acclimatisation. There were moments in the second test when W. I. threatened to wipe the smile off English faces, but England were rescued by a young shaver called Shoaib Bashir.

There was some English Women's cricket, but none of the ladies can bowl anywhere near 97 mph like Mark Wood. Still, Mark Wood is probably not much good at embroidery, or shopping. Ouch.

There was some golf called the Open Championship played at Royal Troon golf course, which we have been told is teetering on the west coast of Scotland. The winner was American golfer Xander Schauffele, which is almost French for cauliflower, and he netted $17m, which would weigh more than 12 Donald Trumps in dollar bills.

There was and still is some cycling in the form of the Tour de France. Many people pretend to be interested in this gruelling waste of time, but we don't know any of them.

There was the Formula 1 Grand Prix from Hungary which was won by some Australian bloke called Oscar Piastri, but only because British driver Lando Norris was ordered to let him. Third came British driver Lewis Hamilton, despite Verstappen trying to damage him and anybody who got in his way, as he does.

There was some Wimbledon, of course, which was won by various people and a personable young man called Alcatraz.

Joe Biden, a decent but faltering man, withdrew his candidacy for presidential nominee. Donald Trump's response to the news won him the "Most Graceless Bastard on Earth" award for the tenth year running.

A worldwide IT outage was caused by a faulty security update which buggered up Microsoft systems. Sadly, it had no effect on the scheduling of the dentist's appointment you had been dreading all week.

There will be the Olympics soon. Do the French have a government yet? Does Macron go back to his shirt-making business? And isn't breakdancing mainly for poor people? These and many other questions won't be answered during the Greatest Show On Earth. Be there. Or not. It's entirely up to you.

STUFF

Elliott (Mister) Anderson
We've no idea who you are, but welcome to Nottingham Forest.

Next.

Carlos Miguel.
Giant Brazilian goalkeeper.
Mate of Murillo.
Welcome to the Forest.


Nikola Milenkovic.
Serbian defender.
Hard as a rough cut diamond.
Welcome to Nottingham.

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