Oh dearie me, Stress.

What seems to be the matter, Pie?

I don't know, Stress. I think I must be getting depressed.

Because you're fat?

No, not because I'm fat.

But you are fat aren't you?

I'm not that fat.

There you are you see - denial. That's the second stage of being fat.

What's the first stage?

Actually being fat. Obviously.

You really do come out with some rubbish, don't you?

At least I'm not fat.

Look - it's nothing to do with being fat, not that I'm that fat. It's the football. No, not so much the football ... it's talking about it afterwards that's depressing. I mean, I'm supposed to write a report on this match, but how many times can you write the same thing? Forest play some good stuff, Forest can't keep clean sheets, Forest can't take their chances, Forest lose. That's it really. It's so demoralising.

Let me do it then.

No thank you. You'd just come out with the same old garbage you always come out with. I can see it now: Vydra's goal was the latest fluke in the long catalogue of flukes he always manages against Forest. The rest of the time he's kept in a stasis chamber with all the other aliens.

That may well be true. I'm not saying it is, just that it may well be.

And every goal Nugent scores is a fluke by definition, because Nugent is some form of cucumber, the kind whose tail you cut off but he grows another head. Or something.

I would never say that about a respected but visibly ageing veteran like Nugent. I don't have that kind of spite in me. No, if I were to do the report, I would concentrate on the positives - the fact that Forest played by far the better football, for example.

But that's what's so depressing, Stress. Playing the better football means nothing if you lose, and we've now lost seven out of twelve. The fact that the Sheep were arthritically crap actually makes it worse. But the worst thing of all was that the whole affair was so stale. Gone are the days when the rivalry meant something, when the atmosphere threatened people's lives, when managers kicked each other, players got sent off, sheep's heads materialised, unreadable banners appeared in distant skies. It's all gone now, Stress. Yesterday was a match played at the wrong time on the wrong day between two teams which seemed to have had the life kicked out of them by years of disappointment. After the match, all we got was Sheep fans desperately trying to convince themselves that they have a quality side they really are, and Forest fans kidding themselves that everything will be all right in the end it really will.

My word, Pie, you are depressed, aren't you? Perhaps it's time to let me take over the site.

No, Stress. All you'd do would be copy out the Nottingham Post report and change every tenth word to "arsehole".

You could have a little corner of the website to yourself, Pie. You could talk about things which interest you, like black and white films, or smart motorways, or President Fart, or being fat. That would be nice for you, wouldn't it? Give you something to do. Take your mind off the football. And while you were doing that, I could write a blogue about a club that's just started recovering from years and years of neglect, and making a decent job of it as far as I can see. Despite the result of the Derby derby, I think we saw two teams on different trajectories - the Sheep on the way down, and Forest on the way up. And you can put that in your pipe and eat it.

I don't know what the pipe thing means, Stress, but I'll do a deal with you. If we don't beat Burton Down on Saturday, I'll plunge into a brown study and let you take over the site. Okay?

I don't know what that brown stuff means, Pie, but I suppose the eggs justify the beans.

I don't know what the egg thing means, Stress, but I'll take it as a yes. As old Uncle Boff used to say: "There's no generation without penetration".

I don't know what that penetration stuff means, Pie, but fat boys say what.




SEASON 2017/2018

01 04.08.17 FOREST 1 MEWO 0
02 12.08.17 BENTFORD 3 FOREST 4
03 15.08.17 BARNSLEH 2 FOREST 1
05 26.08.17 FOREST 0 LEED 2
06 09.09.17 WENDIES 3 FOREST 1
07 12.09.17 UNDERLAND 0 FOREST 1
08 16.09.17 FOREST 1 WONDERBRAS 2
09 23.09.17 VILLA 2 FOREST 1
10 26.09.17 FOREST 1 COTTAGING 3
11 30.09.17 FOREST 2 THE UNDEAD 1
12 15.10.17 SHEEP NATION 2 FOREST 0

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.