STUFF

FORMULA ONE - SPANISH GRAND PRIX
Gosh these tyres are good I'm going really fast oh no they've worn out and look Michael Schumacher has run into the back of somebody and what's wrong with this f***ing car and somebody's garage has blown up.
PLAY OFF SEMI 1st LEGGINGS (1)
Caerdydd 0 Wet Hams 2
Caerdydd used all their experience to blow yet another play-off chance as Wet Hams strolled to an easy first-leg victory at the Caerdydd City stadium. The match consisted mostly of players kicking the ball into each others' backs, Kevin Nolan grinning like an arse and Kenny Miller displaying the predatory instincts of a half eaten sandwich. Caerdydd manager Milky Mackay was disappointed, but said "I think 2-0 is a dangerous score for the team that are 2-0 up. We've given ourselves a mountain to climb, yes, but at least we've got a mountain. Nobody ever climbed a mountain that wasn't there."
PLAY OFF SEMI 1st LEGGINGS (2)
Blackpoo 1 Boremingham 0
This was an absorbing game, if by "absorbing" you mean ninety minutes of low quality ping pong decided by a wildly deflected shot between the legs of a one armed goalkeeper. Boremingham manager Chris Huhne made some comments about various body parts, and Poo's Ian Hologram said he was a coconut.
PLAY OFF SEMI 2nd LEGGINGS (1)
Wet Hams 3 (5) Caerdydd 0 (0)
Caerdydd needed a miracle to come back from a 2-0 deficit from the first leg, but as that miracle would probably involve a team which could actually play football, it didn't happen. Instead, Caerdydd had little answer to Wet Hams' ability to kick the ball in a straight line, and simply faded away into submissive insignificance. Milky Mackay said he was proud of what his team had achieved this season, even if it was nothing more than racking up an ever increasing tax bill. It can only be hoped that whoever Wet Hams face at Wembley, they will be given a sterner test than they got in the Theatre of Bubbles. Or Babboos, as they say.
PLAY OFF SEMI 2nd LEGGINGS (2)
Boremingham 2 (2) Blackpoo 2 (3)
In a match which was as wet as it was exciting, Blackpoo duly mugged their way into yet another play off final at the expense of a more highly placed team, again. It really is time somebody sorted this out, and realised it's no good charging at them, because they just charge back, cause chaos, and score scabby goals. No, you've got to play proper football, keep it from them, pass it through their desperate dan defence, and calmly humiliate them. Sadly, despite ten minutes of manic fightback, Boremingham couldn't manage this, mainly because they're a bit rubbish really, and because King has perfected the art of being offside. Anyway, Chris Huhne looked a bit fed up but never mind, and Ian Hologram's new persona appears to be Uriah Heep. And somebody should tell the 5 live commentary team that "away goals don't count in play off matches" isn't technically accurate.
OTHER STUFF
FOREST CLUB
The first rule of Forest Club is that there is never any news about Forest Club. Mister Egg will be the first to bring you breaking news about Forest Club when it happens or, more probably, doesn't.
COTTS SPEAKS
Nottingham Forest manager Steve Cottonreel has revealed that after saving the club from annihilation he would like the board to keep its side of the bargain and give him the moon on a stick.
Sadly, the moon on a stick does not include McClearly, who is happy to be paid £15k a minute by the Reading Mafia, and SOD, who has now succumbed to the blandishments of Crawley, or indeed anybody who can tell him where the moon on a stick is coming from.
BROOKS CHARGED
Rebekah Brooks and her racehorse husband Charlie Brooker have been charged with perverting various things like cardboard boxes and several other people.
SUN DENIES "TRUTH" CLAIM
The Sun newspaper has rejected accusations that its sports stories contain "even a grain of truth".
BLACKBURN SACKED
Venky's, the owners of newly relegated Blackburn Rovers, have sacked everybody in Blackburn, it was confirmed today by somebody.
DERBY WOES
Derby County have failed in their attempt to sign a player nobody has ever heard of from some club or other.
BLOW ME!
The Government's Environment Agency has slashed funding for the Meteorological Office after accusations that it "persistently and maliciously produces crap weather." The same department has reduced subsidies for wind turbines because "there is little evidence that they generate wind."
SAD SONG FROM SAMSUNG
The Samsung SMG 480/X E-Wafer has been withdrawn from stores after disappointing sales. "The problem," said a Samsung representative, "was that nobody knew what it was. And anyway, it didn't work."