URBAN MYTHS FOREST 1 NORRIDGE 1 (28.8.10) This is the team that came third last season... No it's not. That was another team, one which probably existed in your imagination. This is the team that was rumbled late last season and beaten in the play-offs, and it doesn't seem to have got over it yet. McKenna's legs have gone... No they haven't, not quite, but his brain has. He may not be fully fit, but more worrying is his fairly consistent inability to do simple things well, or to maintain a degree of composure under pressure. His wayward passing is evidence not so much of physical frailty but of a loss of trust in his own ability. The same goes for those woeful clearances, the ones where he has time to turn and find a man but simply belts it upfield to nobody in particular. Such decisions, prompted by the short-circuiting of a tired brain, actually increase the pressure by spreading alarm throughout the team. His shortcomings were becoming clear before last season's injury. That injury, and perhaps an incomplete recovery from it, have simply accelerated a decline which had already begun. You shouldn't scapegoat one player when nobody played well... The trouble is, McKenna's role has become pivotal, and if your "midfield general" isn't functioning properly, then the whole team's game is affected. This isn't scapegoating, it's just a statement of the bloody obvious. "Nobody played well" simply isn't true. The midfield collapsed, which put increased pressure on the defence, but Earnie was magnificent in his attempts to play as both midfield and striker, and Ryan Bertrand put a lot of the established players to shame. Moussi, despite some defensive lapses, injected an enormous amount of energy into Forest's forward momentum. You shouldn't read too much into one match... Ah, life would be so simple if this were true, but to isolate this match from its real-world context would be a bit daft. The players looked "leggy", which in this case is a euphemism for jaded or stale, not so much physically as mentally. They were not alert, their anticipation was poor, they were rarely on the front foot, they were invariably second to loose balls. These shortcomings originate in the mind, then translate into physical sluggishness. Like McKenna, the problem is as much mental as physical. The team, in short, needs refreshing. If ever a team was crying out for new blood, it was the one playing against Norridge. To put it at its simplest, this team was rumbled a while ago - pressure us in midfield, and we're lost. We badly need the alternatives that new recruits would provide. The powers that be are evil conspirators... It's a nice thought, but there is no real evidence to support it. My view, for what it's worth, is that the Expedition Panel has made offers for players, and then just left them on the table. No follow up, no sensible pressure, nothing. The worst they can be accused of is timidity, brinkmanship, stubborn stupidity or laziness. Stress goes one step further in terms of simplicity. He just thinks they're dim, that they don't mind being seen as shrewd operators, but are essentially just dim. As far as he is concerned, if nothing happens soon, the owner and chief executioner will be subject to the charge of a colossal lack of intelligence. It hurts, doesn't it, to think that your beloved club is being run by thick people. The real world can be very disappointing sometimes. It's a tough league this year... Not really. This league is there for the taking. Burnley, Ul and Portsmouth Down aren't giving a very good impression of yo-yo teams. Queens Park Ladies' desperate draw against Dirty smacks of an inconsistency which will hopefully haunt them all season. We have great hopes of Bellamy actually screwing Caerdydd up with his subverting influence. Miserablebugger seem to be struggling in the usual Strachan-inspired mire. No, this league is mediocre, and in its mediocrity lies a golden opportunity for one club to get off its arse, recruit quickly and well, and get some confidence generated before it's too late. Then the sky's the limit. You shouldn't be impatient. Slow and steady will get us there... Maybe, but long term plans don't work in football. You can't plan success, the game's too volatile. And a lot of us are getting on a bit. Life's too short. You've got to grab your opportunities when you can. I miss Sky Sports News... No you don't, not when you realise that their desertion of Freeview is simply an exercise in ripping you off even more cynically than before. Why don't you get some principles, for God's sake? Oh, I see, you get excited by the pretty women and the breaking news and Jeff Smelling's insidious charms and HD television and all the grotesque trappings of Murdoch's acquisitive, parasitic empire. Sorry, it's been a disappointing few weeks. READING LADIES 1 FOREST 1 (21.8.10) An inauspicious start for Forest saw captain McKenna pull out with a hamstring injury, to be replaced by Majewski... I've been told that Billy pulled him out on purpose, to highlight our squad weakness. You shock me, Stress. Where did you hear this? I have my saucers, Pie. That would be Mister Thumb, would it? Anyway, the game started, and Forest were quickly on top, with Earnie producing a fingertip save from Federici the Australian with a flashing drive. He looked very sharp today, didn't he Stress? Who's that, Pie - Federici the Australian? No, Earnie. Earnie looked sharp. You know why, don't you? Because he's good? Partly, but mainly because of the ultimatum. What ultimatum? Apparently, it's rumoured that Earnie gave Billy an ultimatum: "Play me in every game or let me go." You shock me, Stress. Where did you hear about this alleged ultimatum? Nothing to do with alligators, Pie. I have complete trust in my saucers. Right. Anyway, Forest dominated until Reading Ladies went ahead with a scrambled goal from somebody or other. Wilson's fault. What? Wilson's fault. My saucers tell me he's been sulking since Billy stopped him going to Celtic, and causing trouble in the dressing room. How do you think he broke his nose? You shock me, Stress. What are you suggesting? I'm not suggesting anything, Pie. But broken noses don't just happen, do they? They do if you get belted in the face. Yes, but by who, Pie? By who? By whom. Anyway, Forest recovered a bit, and Federici the Australian produced a world class save to deny Paul Anderson. Nothing fishy about that, was there Stress? I'm surprised Anderson was playing, after his alligator row with Billy. You shock me, Stress. What alleged row? Only a whisper, Pie, but apparently Anderson is not happy at playing second string to Tyson. His "Play me or let me go" ultimatum got him the starting position today. Alligator. Right. Anyway, like the Leed game, Forest, with a bit of luck, should have been well ahead, but against the Ladies they showed more fight and less McKenna, and eventually got their reward, when Federici the Australian slammed the ball into his own player and looked on like a Derby fool as a delighted Earnie ushered it into the net. I thought Moose had a decent game, didn't you? Pity he doesn't get on with Billy, though. You shock me, Stress, et cetera. From what I've been told, Pie, Billy has an abiding mistrust of the French since Napoleon destroyed the Scottish fleet at the Battle of Jenkin's Knee. I don't know whether it's true, but it explains a lot. Well, yes, it certainly does. But an away draw was a good result in the end, wasn't it? It was until Billy's post match whinge, talking about the need for quality and soft underbellies and such like. Honestly, I feel sorry for our Equidistant Panel, I really do. There they are, working their fingers to the bone every hour of the day and night to make things happen, going without food and drink, burning the midnight owl, while all the time they're being sniped at by a manager who can't stop telling the truth. It must be galling for them, constantly having to endure the truth from an upstart who knows how to do his job. I really don't know why they put up with him. You're absolutely right, Stress. Apart from the owl. And the alligator. And the saucers bit. Anyway, I think a home win next week is essential, don't you? Vital, Pie. Vital. GRANDAD'S FAVOURITE SHOW FOREST 1 LEED 1 (15.8.10) You're sitting there, watching a really good film on the telly, when in walks grandad from the toilet, sits on the remote, and the programme flicks over to some stale and pointless game show in which gratuitously stupid people try to guess their own names or something. And you can't tell grandad to turn it back to the film, because he's settled now, and anyway by some million to one bottom-fluke, he's found his favourite show. That's what the match was like. For the first twenty odd minutes Forest played like stars, ripping Leed apart with simple, energetic, fluent ease. Dex's goal was a classic, Leed looked clueless, and you looked forward to several more goals. Then grandad sat on the remote, and everything changed. As the clever flicks began to miss their target, as a kind of lazy over-confidence took over, Leed were allowed back into a game which they had no right to contest. Now we were watching the game show which, incidentally, was called "Who Can F*ck Up Most?", and there were plenty on the pitch vying for the title. Almost the entire Leed side were candidates; despite their equaliser and their growing influence, they were still pretty terrible. The ref didn't exactly cover himself in glory, seemingly more interested in maximising his tv exposure than punishing offenders. Raddy became infuriatingly wasteful, blasting extravagant shots over the crossbar. Wes made a terrible mistake which led to their goal, and both he and Wilson didn't look assured (are they match sharp yet?). Cohen's ball control was a bit like a horse dribbling a balloon. Gunter was consistently beaten to headers down there in his right hand corner, and eventually let his temper get the better of him. Even Earnie's touch deserted him. But the winner of "Who Can F*ck Up Most?", the undoubted man of the match in this regard, was McKenna. In those first twenty minutes he looked sublimely assured, mainly because he had acres of space to play in. As soon as Leed closed down his space, his game fell to pieces. His composure disappeared, his passes went astray, and the most common sight on the football pitch was McKenna raising his arm in acknowledgement of yet another mistake. Billy keeps going on about our young team and the mistakes they make, but is apparently blind to the mistakes made by his captain. It must be difficult for our youngsters to have orders barked at them by somebody who's having a stinker. It's hard criticising players who have brought us a long way in two years. We know that at their best they can be brilliant. But they've gone stale. There is a distinct lack of competition for places. They seem to be becoming more aware of each other's weaknesses than their strengths. And opposition teams know our routines, and know how to exploit our fragility. The long and the short of it is, this team needs some new faces. If we don't get any, we'd better get used to watching grandad's depressing game show, and we'd better get used to liking it. A GRAND DAY OUT NOT BUNLEY 1 FOREST 0 (7.8.10) There was something dispiriting about all this. Not Forest, I hasten to add; Forest will be fine. No, it was the place, the experience, which lowered the spirits. I expected Bunley's Premiership adventure to have somehow jolted them into the 21st century, but sadly it was just the same boghole as before. The toilets were still awful, the ground was tatty, the away seats were still wooden, the fans seemed trapped in some enduring coma of disappointment. The big screen, with its ear shredding p.a. system, was used primarily to generate a phoney atmosphere where otherwise there would only be the swelling chorus of Forest voices. Even Bunley's kit looked second hand or in need of a wash, as did the team itself. Indeed, the most dispiriting thing about today was that Forest, not at their best, were far, far better than Bunley, and shouldn't have been beaten. At the end, the Forest players knew this too. But they got their goal, and despite increasing Forest pressure in the second half, when Bunley gave up any ambition you might expect of a home side, they hung on. I can't quite put my finger on why - as usual it was probably the result of several things. Forest lacked composure and penetration from midfield, where Moose and McKenna were strong but unimaginative and probably a bit too alike. Cohen began this season as he did the last - always willing but needing the sharpness of a few matches. Tyson was, well, the not-improved version, and it was to him that the two best chances fell, one of which Old Uncle Boff could have scored after a night on the whisky. He's going to get some stick, young Nathan, if he doesn't sort out his control and composure. Dex did okay despite a battering which saw him off with a head wound. The defence was okay, but the excellent Wilson didn't ultimately survive an attempted crippling. Ryan Bertrand did well. To be honest, he looked as if he'd make a better winger than Tyson. Earnie was superb. He really is the most intelligent and gifted footballer, but he had to keep coming deep to set up attacks, which is the midfielders' job, not his. So, apart from Earnie, there was a lot of okayness, but not the mixture of sharpness and composure which would have seen us thump them. There was, however, enough to suggest that it won't be long before we start firing on a few more cylinders. I suppose a couple of signings would freshen things up. As for Bunley, well, on this form they'll just drift back into the by-gone mediocrity where they belong and where, frankly, they'll probably be happy. Mind you, that's what I thought about Blackpoo last season. Frustrating stuff, this football.