WORLD CUP STUFF

Group I - France 3 Iraq 0 I cannot find enough superlatives to describe the merits of Kylian Mbappe, so I shall leave that to the homoerotic ramblings of the BBC commentary team.

Group J - Argentina 2 Austria 0 I cannot find enough superlatives to describe the merits of Lionel Messi, so I shall leave that to the homoerotic ramblings of the BBC commentary team.

Group I - Norway 3 Senegal 2 I cannot find enough superlatives to describe the merits of Erling Haaland, so I shall leave that to the homoerotic ramblings of whoever covered this match. Was it ITV? I know not, and care less, for I had important business elsewhere.

Group J - Jordan 1 Algeria 2 I cannot find enough superlatives... oh sod off.

Group G - New Zealand 1 Egypt 3 You never quite know what you're going to get from Egypt. It could be angry sulky or crazy happy or anything in between. Today was crazy happy. You do know what you're going to get from New Zealand - a bunch of try-hards who would thrash Egypt at cricket.

Group H - Uruguay 2 Cape Verde 2 I must admit, I went to bed when Uruguay went 2-1 up, fearing the worst, picturing Bielsa orchestrating a victory like some malicious toad squatting on a box. It was great to discover that the underdogs had drawn the game. I should have had more faith. Apparently, most Americans think that Cape Verde is a film.

Group G - Belgium 0 Iran 0 Belgium used to be good, but that was before they turned into a steamed pudding. Watching suet trying to score is a painful business, but not as painful as being treated like crap in the Home of the Brave. Ask the Iranians.

Group H - Spain 4 Saudi Arabia 0 It is about this stage of the tournament (Lamine Yamal) that you begin to realise (Lamine Yamal) that this is not so much a football competition (Lamine Yamal) as a media driven transaction (Lamine Yamal) based on the promotional value (Lamine Yamal) of hero worship.