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published May 18th 2026 contact us match reports (1) match reports (2)
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SEASON 2025/26 game 37 May 17th 2026
 ManUre 3 (2)Shaw 5, Cunha 54?, Mbeumo 75  Nottingham Forest 2Morato 52, MGW 57 A handball offence is committed when a player (except the goalkeeper in their own penalty area or any player before the scheduled kìck off or after the final whistle or not on the field of play or indeed any player of a PGMOL-affiliated elite team):
◯ deliberately touches the ball with one or both hand/arms, a hand/arm being defined as one of two appendages extending from roughly seven centimetres below the axillary dome to the fingertips except in players of elite teams whose hand/arms have never been proved to exist in any legal or meaningful sense
◯ touches the ball with one or both hand/arms when it/they is/are in a position that makes their body unnaturally bigger like on steroids or some shit and that position is not the result of their body moving fairly as part of play like pretending nothing happened and getting away with it sort of thing
◯ scores a goal against the other team with either hand/arm or scores immediately after the ball has touched their hand/arm (even if the touch was accidental or, in the case of non-elite teams, non-existent)
◯ is not struck on either hand/arm but plays for a non-elite team and is therefore in contravention of Rule 22, which states that any non-elite team player who declares his innocence must be in contravention of Rule 22 and should be dismissed from the field of play
A handball offence is not committed when a player:
◯ spends the game mouthing off at the referee like something vicious trapped in the darkest corner of a barn
◯ heads, kicks or plays the ball with another part of their body not including the other arm and it then hits their own hand/arm (unless the ball goes directly into the opponents’ goal or the player scores immediately afterwards or the hand is for some reason stuck up the player's arse or whatever)
◯ falls or pretends to fall and the ball hits their supporting arm, which is between their body and the ground or for some reason wedged up their arse (unless the ball goes directly into the opponents’ goal or the player scores immediately afterwards, in which case a direct free kick is awarded to the elite team willy nilly)
◯ is hit on the hand/arm by the ball which has been played by a team-mate (unless the ball goes directly into the opponents’ goal or the player scores immediately afterwards, in which case a direct free kick is awarded to the other team unless the other team is an elite team in which case the referee should award them a penalty for sure)
◯ is hit on the hand/arm by the ball but plays for an elite team which has reached an ongoing unspoken business understanding with a selection of unnamed Premier League referees, or the referee himself is a spiteful and confused idiot who thinks VAR should mind its own business or who once had his car covered in pigeon crap in Nottingham while he was shopping ironically for some stool-hardener
◯ the player is simply playing out a pre-written script which reaches a wholly predictable end thus reducing the whole Premier League sporting experience to a pointless and increasingly expensive waste of time, sigh
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