WORLD CUP STUFF

Group A - South Korea 2 Czech Republic 1 The stadium was only two thirds full because the game was played at 2 am when decent folk were doing other stuff in bed. The Sum Yeung Men of South Korea won because Czech captain Krejci plays for Wolves and Soucek plays for Wet Hams. Nuff said.

Group A - Mexico 2 South Africa 0 "Long" is the most common description of the opening ceremony. It applies also to the tedious ramblings of shouty Pougatch and his ITV panel, and to the game itself which kept being interrupted by drinks breaks and a spinning FIFA logo, and was accompanied by the kind of mental crowd noise you might get in a horror film called "Abattoir 2". Mexico won because the South African team consisted almost entirely of a goalkeeper, somebody in a 20 shirt, and two blokes who got sent off.

So you're not going to the good old USA then, Stress?

I am not. They wouldn't let me.

Why on earth not?

They said I showed signs of Trump Derangement Syndrome. I told them I had perfectly adequate bowels, but they wouldn't listen.

You've never heard of Trump Derangement Syndrome?

Not in so many long words, no.

It's a condition which deludes you into thinking that the President of the United States is a vengeful idiot. It's more common than you think.

Well I don't know anything about that. I suppose I'll have to watch it all on the telly now, like the ordinary people.

Did you, like the rest of us ordinary people, watch England (ranked 4) beat New Zealand (ranked 85) by a single goal?

I did, until it dawned on me that Thomas the Tookle's cunning plan is to turn the England footballers into robots, in the hope that the World Cup can be won through soulless, grinding repetition. I turned over to watch Scotland (ranked 42) thrash Romania (ranked 53) four nil. I'm glad I did. That at least was fun.

You don't rate Thomas the Tookle, do you?

He's a bit thin. He looks a bit homeless. Apart from that I have no complaints about him. Except for one of his ears. And his obvious love of robot football. That's all - his homeless appearance, his preposterous ear, and his love of robot football. Oh, and his daft omission of MGW. What a complete wazzock he is, what with his homeless ear and Morganless robot football. And why are all the England fans from Hackney?

That may not be true, Stress, but it's one of many questions which will have to be answered in the coming days, as football fans from all over the world come face to face with the brave men of America's Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency.

Will there be jam for tea, Pie?

I think not. Not for us ordinary people, anyway. But let us not lose hope, Stress, but remember the immortal words of various people I've forgotten..... There may be trouble ahead, But while there's moonlight and music And love and romance, Let's face the music with jam.