WORLD CUP STUFF

Group G - New Zealand 1 Egypt 3 You never quite know what you're going to get from Egypt. It could be angry sulky or crazy happy or anything in between. Today was crazy happy. You do know what you're going to get from New Zealand - a bunch of try-hards who would thrash Egypt at cricket.

Group H - Uruguay 2 Cape Verde 2 I must admit, I went to bed when Uruguay went 2-1 up, fearing the worst, picturing Bielsa orchestrating a victory like some malicious toad squatting on a box. It was great to discover that the underdogs had drawn the game. I should have had more faith. Apparently, most Americans think that Cape Verde is a film.

Group G - Belgium 0 Iran 0 Belgium used to be good, but that was before they turned into a steamed pudding. Watching suet trying to score is a painful business, but not as painful as being treated like crap in the Home of the Brave. Ask the Iranians.

Group H - Spain 4 Saudi Arabia 0 It is about this stage of the tournament (Lamine Yamal) that you begin to realise (Lamine Yamal) that this is not so much a football competition (Lamine Yamal) as a media driven transaction (Lamine Yamal) based on the promotional value (Lamine Yamal) of hero worship.

Group E - Equator 0 Curacao 0 The only reason Curaçao will be remembered as a football team rather than a blue liqueur is their magnificent goalkeeper Eloy Room, who made 15 saves to secure his country's first ever World Cup point. Mr and Mrs Room must be proud of their son, who they named after the beautiful people in H. G. Wells' "The Time Machine". Apparently.

Group F - Tunisia 0 Japan 4 This is what happens when you sack ex-Forest boss Sabri Lamouchi and replace him with somebody we've never heard of - you still lose by four goals. Tunisia have always looked as if they wished they were somewhere else, and soon their wishes will come true.

Group E - Ivory Coast 1 Germany 2 Bit of a sickener, this, but credit to German substitute Undav who took his chances well to win the game. Apparently, German manager Nagelsmann doesn't get on with Undav, probably because he (Nagelsmann], judging by his touchline behaviour, is a posturing dickhead. Toenail-man.

Group F - Netherland 5 Sweden 1 Sweden are proving to be another nail in the spectacular coffin of Graham Potter's managerial career. That Elanga bloke looks a decent footballer. Or "baller", as the prats say these days.