WORLD CUP STUFF

Group K - Portugal 5 Uzbekistan 0 Uzbekistan has long been known as the Land of the Illusionists, because nobody knows where it is, nobody can work out how they got here, and nobody could guess just how bad they were at football. Magic.

Group L - England 0 Ghana 0 I met a man the other day Who munched on a banana. We're going nowhere fast, he said, If we can't beat bloody Ghana. Still, as long as they're all having fun. It's still a bit sad that none of them has the guts to mention the MGW sized elephant in the room.

Group L - Panama 0 Croatia 1 Relief for Croatia. It's not every day you get to thrash a country named after a hat.

Group K - Colombia 1 DR Congo 0! In a side featuring Diaz and James Rodriguez, it seems remarkable that Colombia's greatest threat in this World Cup has come from a wing-back, said somebody who watched the game. Do you know, I said exactly the same thing to the wife this morning over a full English with no hash browns. I don't like hash browns. I'm not even sure what they are.

Group I - France 3 Iraq 0 I cannot find enough superlatives to describe the merits of Kylian Mbappe, so I shall leave that to the homoerotic ramblings of the BBC commentary team.

Group J - Argentina 2 Austria 0 I cannot find enough superlatives to describe the merits of Lionel Messi, so I shall leave that to the homoerotic ramblings of the BBC commentary team.

Group I - Norway 3 Senegal 2 I cannot find enough superlatives to describe the merits of Erling Haaland, so I shall leave that to the homoerotic ramblings of whoever covered this match. Was it ITV? I know not, and care less, for I had important business elsewhere.