premier league game 35     April 21st 2024

Nottingham Forest 0

Manchester City Laundry 2 Gvardiol 32, Haaland 71

NEXT It began with Neco Williams in space blasting a drive goalwards which Ederson stretched and batted away. Not in space, you understand, not like the James Webb telescope or anything, but in plenty of space down the right wing. It showed the shape of things to come - with Forest full backs causing havoc down the sides against City's dodgy defence, as predicted by H. G. Wells1. Next, City tried to impose their passing style on the game, but all the crowd seemed interested in was calling Gary Neville a wanker. Two things here. City's passing game has grown so sterile it has entered the Halls of Tedium. Trying to bore the opposition to defeat never was any fun, and now they're not even very good at that. And Gary Neville wasn't there, having gone to the mattresses2 in London like some Mafia gang. Just joking, Gaz mate. Next, Doku looked as useful as flypaper, but not as big a fraud as Greaselick. Greaselick has always been a no-trick pony, the no-trick being the ability to mask his lack of tricks by adopting the trailing leg dive. It was educational watching Willy Boly hunt him down and, eventually, out of the game. Willy Boly had an eventful game, standing up to Gvardiol, busting their goalie's shoulder, getting smacked in the face, and eventually going off injured. Gvardiol comes from a family of dyslexics3, by the way. Murillo didn't have a great game, to be honest. Okay, Haaland only got that second goal because Murillo, having played on with a groin strain, couldn't stretch, but for Gvardiol's goal he jumped like somebody with an enormous pudding in his shorts. He's done it before, and his pudding jumps are one reason we're dodgy at corners. Next, City scored. Neco off injured, down on defenders to deal with a corner, MGW losing Gvardiol, Murillo jumping like a pudding, Gvardiol flicks it in. Bugger. G-Vardy-oal. Whatever. Next, Forest fight back really hard. Aina crosses to Montiel who scuffs it across to Wood ... and now is not the time but one day soon we must have a serious conversation about Wood. Is he a good player who has off days or a carthorse who gets lucky? Answers on a postcard. Not that anybody under forty knows what a postcard4 is. Useless, the lot of 'em, including Wood. Next, Forest are really at it now. A promising spell ends with a brilliant CHO corner fumbled by Edison, or Ederson as he prefers to be called, leading to a loose ball which can't quite be converted by Murillo. Forest end the half on top, and could easily be leading. Next, the reason Forest don't win this game is perfectly illustrated at the beginning of the second half by another Wood's masterclass. Elanga works his butt off to get past Akanji and Walker and crosses it to Wood. That serious conversation we were to have about Wood is looking more and more likely to contain the word carthorse. Wood sort of received the ball, had some kind of brain fart, and sort of shot like a man with cauliflower legs. Instead of being 2-1 or even 3-1 up, Forest weren't. Next, Forest play some good stuff. MGW shoots just wide, as he does, Aina continues to burst upfield, Gvardiol threatens but is stopped by the excellent Boly, and Forest look mightily competent. Next, Haaland comes on. Even on the touchline people back away from him, as if he is some kind of pin headed fish monster. He must be one of the strangest things ever seen on an English football pitch, rivalling Rooney or even that Iain Dowie bloke from The Goonies. Okay, he scores, but a fit Murillo would have skinned him like a trout. Next, the skies darken. Murillo goes off injured, to be replaced by Omo, which isn't too bad. Danilo and Elanga are replaced by Yates, who might make a difference, and Reyna, who won't. Then Boly goes off injured to be replaced by Sangare, which is bad news on both counts. Next, the defeat doesn't really matter much. Forest were brave and dangerous but lacked composure up front. Even Guardiola (Gvardiola?) said his team were lucky to win. It would be nice to have Taiwo back. No, what really matters is the fate of Williams, Murillo and Boly, which is a worry. Other things we worry about are how pink de Bruyne is, Gvardiol's first name being Josko, and meeting Haaland in a damp alley. Or any kind of alley. Or anywhere, really. Next, the Undead. 1 H.G. Wells wrote The Shape Of Things To Come, a book which few people read, the majority preferring to wait for the film. 2 See "The Godfather". 3 This is not true. Just because he has an irritating name doesn't mean he comes from a family of poor spellers. 4 A postcard is a card you write on and post. In the good old days, they used to arrive at the address on the front. Nowadays, nobody knows where they end up. Just as a matter of no interest whatsoever, the other day we paid a parking fee on one of those machines which logs your car number as you enter the car park. The machine, both hardware and software, was made by Horizon.